Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and follow Me.

-Song of Songs 2:10














Monday, October 31, 2011

After My Heart





May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.
-2 Thessalonians 3:5




You are after my heart.

Not just a piece broken off and offered as an afterthought. Not just the parts that are visible and I am willing to provide. Not just the happy beats, the skips that sing in the morning light. Not just the soft spots in the ripest season, the top half that skims the surface, or the vibrant visitations I allow when the time is right for me.

You demand more.

You are purposeful in Your pursuit. You break through the barriers and will never settle for satisfactory.

You want the whole of me. The raw, deep, scratched secrets stashed beneath the innermost hideouts in my heart. You want every taste of my terror, the fear that folds at my corners. You want the cold, stubborn stumps of my selfish desires that have latched onto my layers and taken root at the base.

The cold river of blood that sticks to my nucleus, too stubborn to rush through and flood me with warmth- You want to dive headfirst into the stream and pull away the clotting debris one by one until Your strength surges through me and I fill with Your passion.

My heart may rip to shreds. When it does, You are a one Man search party that scours every square inch of my memory, my experiences, my downcast thoughts that have left slices of fabric scattered in the tightest spaces of my frail confidence. And when they are all collected and You lay them out before Your light, You assemble them, weave them back together and create a dazzling display of Your determination in the fine print of the pattern.

With a whirlwind of fury, You course across the plains of my palpitations and throw my false lovers out of our atmosphere; for You declare that You will not share me with another. You burrow beneath my burdens, scoop them up and dispose of these atrocities I blended with my soul. With direct yet delicate hands, You swipe away the pooled tears my eyes store when sadness settles upon me. They drain and are replaced with a garden of gladness. I am wiped clean, pure, wrapped in a soft settling that comes after the storm.

And after You clean my core, Your eyes roam its rooms, inspecting each crevice with care. You have hammered in Your handiwork, built from scratch and with Your initials carved gently into the walls of the home You’ve constructed; Your imprint so those who dare try to tear me down know Who holds me up.

Your love is relentless. It is forever and unyielding. Though I have damaged and dirtied the depths of my splattered soul, Your promise of affection and pleas for me to turn myself over to You releases my clutching hands that hide all that shamed me, as I never understood how my life, too, desired to draw itself devotedly to You until the moment I saw Your own heart poured out for me one deep, crimson drenched day as You fell silent.


Prayer:
My heart clutches stubbornly at the fleeting pleasures of this world. I try to hide my inner heart from You, afraid that You will see my failings. But You want my heart, all the good and bad and bleeding and bursting chambers that collect inside me. You are willing to get Your hands deep beneath the surface and mold me to You, cleanse me from all that clots me and move into my heart. Thank You that You are relentless, and that You will not accept anything less from me than the very best You fill in me. Amen.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Rest With Me




Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:30-31



Tonight I just want to be with You.

Turn off the lights. Turn down the noise streaming through my airwaves. Soothe my body, loosen the knots I have wound around my spine.

Rest with me in this silence, flowing slowly like a river on a lazy September afternoon. Somehow I have twirled myself into a tizzy, chasing after shiny wrappers of earthly pleasures that unravel to bland, empty promises. Funny how that happens. How easily my heart strays.

I am wired with fickle feelings. I mean what I say but swiftly slip to my own interpretations. Father, calm me. Sweep my eyes closed and lean my head against Your chest.

For I am tired and You offer me a feather bed to lay my burdens. You offer it eagerly and wish for nothing more than me to accept.

I am so weary from running around with my own thoughts, keeping them to myself and stubbornly refusing to share.

Your yoke is light.

Your arms are waiting.

Your breath is warm against my cheek.

I lean in and release my life, yet again, into Your rejuvenating embrace.


Prayer:
How many times can I roll around this sea of my own selfish ambitions? How long can You continue to draw me to You, gently, softly, still needing me to be a part of You? Lord, I spin and circle and get myself nowhere. Tonight, I just need to rest in You. Thank You that You offer me Your arms and comfort, and for the stillness in my soul when I turn down everything but Your voice. Restore me, my Love. Refill my heart to rest in You. Amen.

Great is Your Faithfulness





Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
-Lamentations 3:22-23



My Beloved has been faithful.

When I’ve had no words, He’s filled my mouth with streams of sentences. When I have stumbled in the dark and blanched at the shadows, He’s taken His hand in mine and walked with me through the night. In this maze of a world, He’s straightened my paths and led me to the light. When I’ve voiced my discomfort, He’s listened to my screams, then held me when they transformed into sobs.

He’s seen me in my darkest moments, the thoughts that haunted and threatened to devour my dreams. He has brightened the hopes I harbored and delighted in my shining eyes.

He’s watched me wrestle with leaving my comfort zone to venture into the wild unknown of each day, where I may not know where I am going, but I do know Who is guiding me. And like He does for the sparrows singing outside my window, He provides for me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

He is kind and caring. He calls me His one and only. He has led me to His love, into this beautifully terrifying journey that thrills and enchants me.

He is patient when I stray. Gentle when I am stubborn and sees all that I search for in vain. His song is in my heart, His laugh embedded in each line I write. His scent is wound in roses, His eyes entwined in twilight. When I doubt my worth, He holds His mirror in front of me and beckons me to see the girl He falls in love with each morning. He is fair and just, and I am not immune to His corrections. But He refines me; He spins me fine as gold.

I am irrevocably in love. For in the strength of His wings, I have learned to fly.


Prayer:
You are faithful beyond anything I could have imagined. You have swept me up in a whirlwind of wonder. Through the gentle prodding of Your voice I have stood upon the banks of Your love and declared You my portion, My own Beloved. Thank You for this wonderful gift of yourself, within me and around me each waking and dreaming moment of my life. Amen.


***
This composition marks the one year anniversary of the start of Our Great Romance. Fifty two weeks ago God prompted me to begin chronicling this adventure and draw closer to Him so He could reveal Himself in ways bright and stunning to me that He hadn’t in the past. He has indeed been faithful to me on this journey. He has taught me complete vulnerability, trust, dedication and to listen delicately for the whisper of His voice. He has also shouted in my ear a few dozen times, as well! I am beyond blessed to be where I am today, walking hand in hand with my beloved Lord. Thank you all for sharing these moments with me, and for allowing me to bare my soul to you. May you always feel His sweet and all encompassing love surrounding you.

Monday, October 10, 2011

No Longer Proud





Create in me a pure heart,
O God, and renew
A steadfast spirit
Within me.
-Psalm 51:10



The mirror has
tipped in my direction;
I see all that has
blemished my soul.
Rotten, corroding
vanities that dove
into me with delight.
I let them change
my appearance,
my demeanor.
I dared to demand
answers from You.
And when You kept
silent, I raged
at the injustice.
How You must have
laughed at my folly!
For You are
the Beginning
and the End,
the sky that has
no ceiling.
You hold all things
in Your hand and at
a mere whisper
of Your voice
boulders crumble
like ground pebbles.
I am humbled,
my heart no longer proud.
You have spoken,
and I have listened timidly.


Prayer:
I have been considering myself mighty, worthy of Your voice, demanding You to speak on my time, in answers I seek. But You are the Mighty One, the First and the Last, the One who is above all. You hold galaxies in Your hand and toss them to through the blackness to give us stars and planets and life. How dare I deem to right myself before You? Thank You for humbling me, for still loving me when I try to step on Your toes. Teach me to be still and wait for You, and to listen and act when You answer. Amen.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Conflicting Colors




The Lord will guide you always.
-Isaiah 58:11



One Saturday afternoon, I decided to stop by a forest by my house. I have been meaning to venture in for a while but never made the time.

I parked my car and started forth on a wide path covered with scattered leaves. Tall, towering birch and oak trees stood surrounding me, their leaves the most vibrant yellows and soft greens. It was pretty close to perfect. All I needed was a walking stick and I was on my way through Middle Earth.

A few more yards into my journey, a pile of large logs presented themselves, and after looking them over, I found a nice, sturdy one with the least amount of moss and fungi. I pressed it into the ground, balanced my weight to test it out, and, when I found it satisfactory, carried myself across and continued on my way.

A tiny hill took me past the outskirts of the woods, and there I became covered in color. Sunlight gleamed through the canopy, casting prisms of rays through the burning leaves. Wind rustled through the forest, sending many leaves flying around me. I watched them dance to the ground, carpeting the path even thicker. This truly is God’s glory, I thought. Better yet, this is God Himself. I wandered into the cluster of this creation, winding through twists and admiring the fairy-like element. But I was so preoccupied with the beauty before me I hadn’t noticed the path taking a sharper incline and narrowing to only a few feet in width.

I came to a woods divided and realized I could see the street just down below, engines purring and racing by. The trees were less dressed, some barely holding a leaf to their branch. How quickly my beautiful elven woods had turned to a place I hardly recognized!

Isn’t this true of our faith, as well? Our eyes catch something golden and we make our way towards it, admiring the fleeting pleasures until we’re so deep in the woods of the world nothing looks familiar. We are drawn in to a camouflage beauty that stimulates for a while, until the true desires of our heart are emptied, dangling by one small string. How easy it is to walk deeper into the unknown and stray from God’s love!

I’m standing where the path cuts in two. Time passes. The shadows grow longer and I yearn for the calmness and beauty of my woods. But how do I get there? Do I continue as I was and hope I make a loop around? Or do I try the new path, the one leading back into the thickness of the trees and listen for the part inside of me that knows when I am getting close again? All I know is that the day is waning like the speckled leaves plummeting to the earth, and the deeper I get, the more surrounded in similar trails I am.

My eyes draw up and see the sun, peeking between the trees. Though it’s low, it still shimmers, still guides the trail before my feet.

Somehow, this comforts me, and I step with certainty and continue on my way.



Prayer:
I am so fleeting in my faith. I stray from Your love, Your word and Your grace to find pleasure in the things of this world that do not last. All that is gold will turn to rust, but You stay shining. Thank You that You still guide me, still lead me back to Your beautiful arms. You are gracious, and merciful beyond all reason. Let me stay on Your path. Amen.